A year in and the lessons I’m learning

I hadn’t planned on making this blog post a 3 part series, but I realized I couldn’t fit all of my thoughts and reflections (and ramblings) into a single blog post. So if you’ve stuck around this long, thanks for hanging in there and I promise Part 3 is the wrap up!

Motherhood is wild.

I mean, we have all heard the plethora of cliche sayings of days being long but years short and don’t blink and you’ll miss every day prior but look forward to every day ahead. And they’re all absolutely true. But motherhood is so much deeper and broader and … indescribable than all of those sayings strung together.

Motherhood is scary and heavy. It’s a little one’s life and well being and safety and health and development in your hands. It’s waking up every day knowing you’re making decisions for two. It’s finding a new balance of taking care of yourself while taking care of someone else. It’s learning a new identity, holding on to who you are and have been as a woman and daughter and partner and friend, while adding this immense new title to your existence. It’s having to adapt and learn your new body, which is very strange. There’s a lot of struggle in attempting to embrace and remember stretch marks are “badges of honor” and it’s emotional trying to take off baby weight. There are many times I feel like a stranger in the mirror, but it’s me. It’s the old me and the new me still getting to know each other a year and a half later.

But motherhood is finding out how strong and capable and brave you are in ways you never knew. If you asked anyone who has been in my life for any amount of time over the past 33 years to describe me, I can guarantee you “high pain tolerance,” or “physically strong” would not be statements tossed around. I mean, I once got a bruise from a gummy bear that had been tossed to me. Not a whole lot of tough blood cycling through this body. Regardless, though, I was able to bring a baby into this world. When push came to shove (and yes I mean that literally 100%), I had it in me. And over a year later on days where I feel worn out and exhausted physically and mentally, I find it in me to get out of bed and go pick up that little blonde, blue eyed toddler and pour my heart into giving him a great day. I make decisions with motherly intuition and do my damndest to give this guy all he deserves.

Motherhood is a million contradictions. It’s hard and easy. It’s fast and slow. It’s exhausting and invigorating. It’s draining and fulfilling.

It’s indescribable but able to fill three blog posts….

I have now fully entered into being the mom of a toddler boy and every day is new and confusing and wonderful. His personality shines through in the way he dances to any music he hears. I laugh at his inquisitive nature when he taps his little finger to his chin and says “hmmm…” when he’s looking for something. He’s got his momma’s sweet tooth, his eyes lighting up when given a bite of ice cream.

He’s also testing boundaries and limits and has big feelings all day long. It’s a lot and tiring and there are definitely moments where I want to just sit for ten minutes without anyone tugging on my pants or digging their yogurt covered hands into my hair. But when I do get those ten minutes to be solo, I can’t help but wonder what he’s up to and am eager to scoop him up in my arms and kiss his little cheeks.

Parenting in a pandemic has been weird.

Being a first timer mom in and of itself is a challenge. A huge learning curve and a lot of Googling. But being a first time parent during a pandemic has created a maze of its own. I worry about his social development as we have been so careful and locked down. I get sad thinking about special occasions and bonding with grandparents that he missed out on. I double check development charts to make sure we’re hitting milestones. I unload a million questions at his wellness checks and seek validation from his pediatrician. My heart does ache for experiences I had always imagined and longed for with our first child that just weren’t possible in these strange times. I have to remind myself that so many of those experiences are selfishly for myself and my husband’s enjoyment as parents and not monumental life changing moments for a little one at his age.

I’ve learned, however, that I have been blessed in so many ways to be able to be with our little guy and witness the big and little moments and to soak in every new thing he is discovering. I have been here to watch him grow and change at a rapid pace in his first year and a half. Not everyone gets to slow down and embrace this time. And that’s something I never want to take for granted. Being a stay at home mom was never really in my plans, and it is so much harder than anything else I’ve ever done. But it is one of the greatest things I’ve ever experienced and I am so grateful for this time.

Becoming a mother changes your relationship with other mothers.

Including your own. I don’t know that I would say I ever took my mom for granted as I got older. She’s a bit of a saint in my eyes and I feel like my relationship with her only gets stronger. But I certainly have had my eyes opened to just how truly amazing she is. I’m the youngest of four. On the days where I feel completely run over just raising one, it’s hard for me to fathom how she had the energy and sanity to raise four. But she did it. I turn to her often for advice and reassurance and to celebrate. Watching my parents as grandparents to my own little one is such a treasure. Like a glimpse back in time of how they were with us (perhaps with the addition of a few more donuts and other sugary treats).

I also now have a greater love and respect for my friends and family who became mothers before me, soaking in their lessons learned and observing their skills in a subtle manner.

And it makes me so excited for those that are about to enter motherhood. I know they have tough days ahead but they are about to embark on an incredible journey. Their worlds are about to change in the hardest but most wonderful way.

So here’s to the mothers.

To the mothers with years of experience and grown babies and grandbabies.

To the mothers who are in the throws of teenage angst and emotions.

To the mothers who are chasing toddlers down grocery store aisles and deciding whether or not to abandon their carts.

To mothers who are just getting started and feeling like the only ones awake in the middle of the night, cradling their precious babe.

To the mothers nervously awaiting delivery day, not knowing what to expect or if they will be able to handle the pain.

To the mothers who have just found out they have a little one on the way and are experiencing every single emotion every single minute.

To the mothers who have loved and lost and long for their angels.

To those who ache for the day they have a little one of their own.

Mothers are making this world go round. Mothers are shaping future leaders and world changers. Mothers are making things happen. Mothers are strong and brave and beautiful.

Here’s to mothers.

Happy Mother’s Day!